You Can Be Direct Without Being Mean Learning the difference between assertive and aggressive
It can be challenging for people to discern between aggressiveness and assertiveness. There are so many ways that we can take simply stating a boundary in a clear and kind manner to being mean and harsh. There are also times when people are being assertive and it is misconstrued as aggression. If we tell someone no and that wasn’t what they wanted to hear, we can be accused of being aggressive, but that’s really a mischaracterization.
To determine when you are being aggressive versus just being direct, consider the following:
Tone
What language are you using to convey your message? Are you saying things that are degrading or belittling?
Behavior
What message is your body language sending?
Volume
Are you yelling or raising your voice?
Profanity
Are you cursing at the person you’re speaking to?
Intentions
Are you trying to intimidate the person you are speaking to? Are you deliberately violating a boundary they’ve set? What is your desired outcome?
How we communicate matters. It’s not just about what we say. There is so much nuance even in what we don’t say. When we are going to someone’s house for the holidays and we don’t care for their food, we can simply tell them, “I’m going to bring my own food.” We don’t have to say, “I’m bringing my own food because yours is nasty.” Letting someone know we’re bringing our own food isn’t aggressive, but telling them their food is nasty, is.
We can be direct and also kind. Assertive communication is:
Respectful
Calm
Reasonable
Concise
We will all be aggressive at some point in our lives. We’re human. It’s bound to happen. The goal is to notice when we’re being aggressive, correct ourselves, and apologize for our behavior.
Journal Prompt
How do you express your needs and boundaries with the people in your life? Are you direct? Have you been aggressive?
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