About the Photoshoot

Since we first talked about the Photoshoot, I have been both excited and afraid. Lots of fear about how I would feel or if I would be able to stay until the end. Ever since I've been through what brought me to this community, I've been struggling with being around too many people at the same time.

In the beginning, being in a place with too many people having parallel talks made me scream and ask people to shut up. I couldn't follow any conversation, and it felt like everyone was just too loud. I got so dizzy that I thought I was going to faint. Lots of therapy and time passed, and it got better. But I still feel physically so tired when I'm around too many people. It's hard to go to a party or a meeting with too many people or even to have friends come over for dinner. I often feel so tired that I need to excuse myself from the event and go straight to bed. It has been improving, and I couldn't stand more than 1 hour at the beginning, now I can stand for 4 hours or so.

So I was definitely super afraid I wasn't going to make it to the Photoshoot. So I made sure to bring my chimarrão with me, to give me energy with the caffeine, but also to bring me comfort. When I arrived, I was so nervous about it that I thought about leaving a lot of times. But then, the talks started. Getting to know the girls better; talking about feelings we all have, having small talks... It instantly calmed me down and made me put these invasive thoughts behind me.

Then the time came for me to start freaking out about the shoot. The first shot I chose was the water in a bowl one. During my dark moments, water was very important to me. I would take long showers in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares. I was living alone in the US, with nobody I knew physically around, so I couldn't have a comfort hug or cafuné. The water was what calmed me down and what made me feel like I could cry and wash out the pain, the uglyness, the dirt, the bad feelings. It wasn't really showering. It was just me lying down in a fetal position and letting the water run through my body for at least one hour or so. I thought that doing this water shot was going to be very hard.

Surprisingly, I only had good feelings during that shot. Putting my face under water felt good. It made me connect with myself and nothing else around me. It made me feel comfort and joy. I was expecting something entirely different!

And Preshika being there for that moment made it even better. The hug she gave me after the shot was a hug from someone who understands and cares. That kind of hug that says I'll only let you go when you want to go. Embrace your feelings, take your time. We understand each other.

Leaving the room and meeting the girls again in the other room was also a nice feeling. It was nice to get out of there and feel like I could share nice feelings about how it made me feel good. Then I saw Preshika was about to make her shot. And it felt wrong that she was there on her own. I hesitated a bit because we still don't know each other so well, and I thought I might be invasive. But then I remembered how her hug did me good at the end of my shoot, and I decided to ask if she wanted me or any of the girls there with her. She said I could come in. And that was such a beautiful thing to witness. She was there, so vulnerable and letting her feelings out, and I just started crying with her. It was so emotional, and I felt so touched that I couldn't hold my tears. More tears came when we hugged at the end. It was a beautiful moment for me, and I hope it was for you too.

Then, it was time for the fetal position shoot, and we took some time organizing the room. When it was my turn for the pictures, I had no idea what to expect. I asked Preshika to play "Untitled" by Simple Plan, a song that I keep coming back to during hard times in my life. Yes, I'm an EMO. I confess that when I first lay down on the floor and curled myself up, I didn't feel a thing. I just thought, ok, here I am, lying down naked in the fetal position, and I feel nothing. Then, a minute passed by, and the feelings started to flow. It brought me back to some really hard times. I started crying and bringing back all those questions I had at the very beginning of dealing with it all. All questions I rationally already have the answer to, but occasionally, they come to torment me again: Was it my fault? Should I have done things differently? Am I overreacting? Should I have dealt with it differently? He was my best friend, a 17 year-old friendship. Am I wrong to throw it all away? Am I just crazy? When I realized those questions were coming up again, I just felt angry. Years of therapy. I already know the answer to all those questions. Why am I letting him win? He's there, just living his life as if nothing has ever happened. Be kind to yourself, Gabriela.

Then, it was time for Preshika's magical hug. Which felt so comforting but also made me want to cry even more. We sat in the winter garden and talked for a while until I was feeling better. It's amazing how Preshika always knows the right things to say and do! I admire you so much! I was feeling good and light again, so I left the room for the next girl to be able to do her shoot. But when I put my feet outside and saw the girls there again, it all came back, and I felt lost again. So I just kept walking until I was outside and called my boyfriend. When I was living in the US, I used to do that whenever I was having a hard time. I just called and asked him to say something. Anything. And then he just starts telling me about his day, what he's doing, how renovations are going, and some funny stories. He doesn't ask any questions until he feels I'm doing better again. I don't know how long we talked, but I didn't see anything about Act 1 anymore, so I'm sorry if I wasn't there if someone needed me. But then I came back and started talking to the girls again. Act 2 started, and the mood shifted.

We were talking about girls 'stuff, makeup, nails... I started feeling light and happy again. Then, it was time for Act 3. It was such a good moment for me! I finally felt like I'm part of the community. I felt so proud of everyone! I felt so happy! I danced all the bad feelings away. It was a perfect moment for me.

The day ended, and I was so proud of myself! I made it until the end! Yes, I did get exhausted and slept until noon the next day, but I made it! When I was on the bus on my way home, I was lost in my thoughts and smiling the whole way. I made it! It was such a good sensation! I felt happiness in a way that I didn't think I was able to feel anymore. I was having good feelings about myself. And that's so hard for me; I'm always so harsh on myself. When I got home and talked to my boyfriend about how my day was, it felt so good! I was able to process and understand everything. And when I talked to my twin about it also felt so good! That's why I also decided to share all this with you girls. Putting those feelings down in the paper brought me even more joy and made me realize that even though it was tough doing the darkness act, I'm not in the darkness anymore. I'm thriving!